Burritos are serious fucking business. If you don’t know how to handle one… you face serious consequences such as blowout, shitty bean-smelling fingers, and severe embarrassment if you are in a public establishment. We’re here to help the world become grandmaster Red belts in the Burrito Handling Arts. Follow these instructions and you will be one with the burrito.
1. Always use both hands
2. Refold your burrito if the wrap is in any way questionable. Open up and tuck the bottom way back up in the burrito, fold over again. You may need to tuck, fold, tuck again, and fold the other side.
2a. Don’t push it too far back up in there, or you’ll make your burrito too tight and the filling will jet out the back upon first bite.
3. Hold the burrito in a slight U shape with the bottom poined upward. This steps helps you monitor the end of the burrito for blowout in case you fucked up with re-folding. It also keeps the filling from falling back on the plate/table.
4. Don’t chomp too hard or the burrito will explode. Remember, if you love the burrito it will love you back.
5. IF the burrito breaks… stay calm and don’t panic. Only eat the filling that came out. Do NOT bite into the back of the burrito because you’ll create a bigger escape hole, you stupid fuck.
6. Make small folds over any blowout holes. Use any available fingers to patch the leak.
7. If the blowout gets out of control (which at this point it shouldn’t have and your knuckles should be caned), foil or wrapper should contain the problem.
8. If you end up dropping any of the filling and/or use a fork… you have failed.
9. If you pick up the burrito and it falls apart (even after refolding), the person who made it has failed. Find said person and triangle choke them until dead.
We wish you the best of luck with your quest of becoming a Snort Ramen Grand Burrito Master. Now go forth and eat the fuck out of some burritos.