Shang Tsung watches from his throne as the crowd screams for blood. I, PlanetOfTheCrepes, stand on my side of the screen… feeling the hellish burn of Scorpion’s eyes from across the way. This fucker is about to kill me dead… I know it. I hear some random voice yell “FIGHT!” Who the fuck just said that?
“Awww shit.” I say to myself. “How did I ever get into this mess? I just wanna go home in one piece.” As I stand there waiting for this guy to just rip me in half… he looks at me with a look of pity. Scorpion pulls out his harpoon with one hand, reaches under his lapel with the other, and pulls out something that appears to be a burrito in a Taco Bell wrapper.
“You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.” I say to myself.
With a slight puff of fire breath, Scorpion burns the wrapper off the burrito and grills the soft tortilla. He skewers said burrito onto his harpoon and screams “TOASTY!” His arm snaps, the harpoon flies at me and I scream like a little bitch. The burrito heads straight towards my mouth, but Scorpion pulls back the harpoon at the perfect time… delivering the burrito right into my screaming mouth without the end of the harpoon even touching me. Without even thinking, I close my mouth and bite. Scorpion jerks the harpoon back, leaving the burrito with me.
“Holy shit!” I think. There’s heat. There’s crunchiness. It’s like a Beefy 5-Layer, but I also taste rice and Flaming Hot Fritos. It doesn’t really even need hot sauce gooped all over it. This thing is fucking delicious!!! I pull the burrito from my mouth, look it over in awe, and begin to devour the rest.
Suddenly, I hear from across the screen “GET OVER HERE!” I look up and the harpoon is on its way back, sans burrito. The goddamn thing plunges right through my chest, and suddenly I’m pulled off of my feet and hurtling towards Scorpion while in ultra shitty pain. I’m now face to face with the guy, bleeding to death. He opens his mouth which smells like shit’s dying breath… and says in a ghastly voice “I hope you’ve enjoyed your last meal, mortal.”
Then he uppercuts my face and I die. The screen tells me to insert another coin. Somehow I’m okay with all of this.