Stardate 72856.2. We have returned the Starship Chilifries to the Rufflonian exoplanet of the Orion-Cygnus Arm in star system M52. We were hesitant to return after our last failed mission to find awesome snacks, but The United Rufflonian Federation insisted that we come back. According to the Federation, Baconcheddarloadia was a rogue city where the losers win, nobody cares or cries if you’re scared of if you die, and sits in the shadows where the killers and the pirates hide. We figured that since the other cities were able to provide us with many other adequate flavors of potato chips… we’d give it another go.
A new city had been constructed from the ashes of Baconcheddarloadia that has been dubbed “Honeymustardonia”. Apparently, when we blew the fuck out of Baconcheddarloadia, our photon torpedoes opened a spring at the base of the Olympus-Mons sized volcano it resided by. This spring is a pure honey mustard stream that flows from deep within the planet. Said stream distributes into Rufflonia’s ridge regions, creating (what the Rufflonians call) the Ultimate Tangy Honey Mustard Chips. The citizens of the planet were very happy about the results of our little “city annihilation” and gifted us with several palettes of these chips. We decided to break into the chips before taking off… because if shit hit the fan again we wanted to be able to go straight up batshit insane on everyone with our phaseblades.
“Captain PotC,” HamDog says. “I must say that I am impressed by these chips. They do not suck balls. If anything, they are the balls of the honey mustard gods.”
As I finished fat-kidding the bag I had started on when Commander HamDog began speaking, I exclaimed “Indeed! The official Opening Whiff was definitely nothing but honey mustard. That’s a good thing because, goddamn, I love honey mustard, and the Opening Whiff does not lie. The taste is certainly tangy, and the city has certainly delivered an accurate description of their chips. We must give Beardacious Crumb a taste of this high grade snack.”
HamDog boards the Starship Chilifries and heads over to the couch where Beardacious Crumb lies, comatose from General Tso’s Pizza and bong hits. He leans over and gives him a quick nudge. ”Hey Beard Man, sorry to wake you, but you have got to try these.”
Without saying a word, his weed sunken eyes look up at the golden Ruffle. You can see the excitement even though his eyes are too saggy to open. He telekinetically snatches it from my hand and shoves it down his mouth. He closes his eyes and gives the thumbs up of approval. The Beard approves.
“Captain, is it safe to assume that we will spare the citizens of this fine city?” asked HamDog.
“Affirmative. Plus, it was, like, kind of our doing that these badboys exist. Might be pretty shitty of us to destroy something so awesome that we were responsible for. Honeymustardonia shall continue to live and thrive.”
We highly approve of these chips and their robust flavor. The Rufflonians were extremely thrilled that we (inadvertently) helped better their planet… and because of it a statue of myself, HamDog, Beardacious Crumb and the BEC riding a giant armored rhino was erected in our honor. An alliance was also formed with Rufflonia for us to swoop in and destroy all Rufflonian chip fuck-ups that may arise.
“This is why the almighty Bacon Egg Cthulhu chose us, my friend.” HamDog tells me. ”Also, you’re fucking welcome, Rufflonia.”
We engaged warp drive to our next voyage.