Root Beer

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Root beer is the jam. Back in the way-back-when, root beer was made as a home-made alternative to alcoholic beverages. Forest folk would gather various roots, sticks, pine cones, and spices and pitch them in some boiling water and drink the fuck out it. The process of making root beer is in the same line as brewing regular-ass beer, and the early root beers were even mildly alcoholic and would probably get you sozzled if you drank a ton of it.

Nowadays, root beer is (for the most part) syrupy manufactured crap. That’s not to say that a few mass-produced gems don’t stick out such as the tried but true IBC, A&W and Barq’s brands. IBC has a nice robust and creamy flavor, A&W is like an IBC lite, and Barq’s has its classic “bite” with caffeine to boot. But then you have shit like Dr. Brown’s and Mug root beer which is just shitty sassafras flavored syrupy bubble poo-water. But on the other hand, you have a slew of “crafty” root beers like Stewart’s, Virgils, Weinhard’s and Hank’s. These are the Arrogant Bastards of the root beer world, and are not for those with a weenie palette. We could go on for days about the different brands… but one thing for certain: if you think Faygo root beer is the best out there, you need to go sit out in the hall.

And root beer floats. What the fuck ever happened to those? It seems like these things disappeared… and why that is is beyond me. First we re-elect Bush and now we’re letting our root beer floats turn into a thing of the past. What the hell is wrong with us? Hamdog and I agree that we need to bring these badboys back. It’s ice cream and motherfucking soda. If you’re a true Snort Ramen Olympiad, you will join our revolution and start requesting one every goddamn place you go. Going to Taco Bell? Order a root beer float. What? They don’t have that there? Kick the clerk in the sprouts. White Castle doesn’t have them either? Hold the place hostage and demand that you’re not leaving until someone does something about it. You get the idea.

We salute root beer. The good stuff has complex flavors, is rich and creamy, and is quite refreshing. What’s your favorite root beer? Take the fucking survey below!



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