RetroFeast: Nintendo Cereal System

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Breakfast cereal just isn’t the same as it used to be. Back in the day, going down the cereal aisle was the greatest fucking thing in a child’s life after the initial factory-smell-cloud of opening up a new action figure. When I was your age, cereal mascots were your overlords and told you how to live your life. Tucan Sam made you follow your nose, Tony The Tiger let you believe everything was Grrrreat, and that rabbits and leprechauns were forbidden from your cereal. Nowadays, breakfast cereal is just a bunch of rehashed horseshit with nothing new and exciting about it. Sure a lot of it tastes the same, but it just doesn’t kick you in the balls and tells you to harden the fuck up like it used to. But there was one cereal from 1989 that got shit right… and that was the Nintendo Cereal System.

First off, it’s a cereal SYSTEM… not your normal “box o’ cereal”, but a SYSTEM. It contained two packages of cereal: Mario and Zelda. Those were your flavors, goddamn Mario and motherfuckin’ Zelda. “Fruity” and “berry” are simply stated on the box for FDA purposes because the FDA is too feeble to recognize Mario and Zelda as flavors. Now since I haven’t eaten this wheat/corn/oat rice flour goodness in 24 years, I can only go off what memory recalls. Mario flavor tasted like what you would get if you crossed Trix with Kix, and it was delicious. The Mario shapes were little Marios, mushrooms, Goombas, Koopa Troopas, and Bowser. Zelda flavor was just a berry powerfuck that was like eating Cap’N Crunch Crunch Berries mixed with Kix. Zelda shapes were little Links, power hearts, boomerangs, keys, and shield. If your cereal contains defense weapons and mushrooms from a hallucinogenic turtle land, every other cereal is NULL AND VOID.

Not only did this cereal deliver in taste… it was a genius concept. See that dialogue bubble from Link in the pic that says “We rescued breakfast!”? Goddamn right they rescued breakfast. If you were awesome like us here at SnortRamen, you ate this Breakfast of Badassery while playing Rad Racer on your 8-bit NES on Saturday mornings. It’s a damn shame that no other cereal will be more awesome than this. For fuck’s sake, it’s two iconic video game characters pumping your veins full of sugary goodness and telling you it’s “super” without sounding gay. Long live the Nintendo Cereal System.

One Response to “RetroFeast: Nintendo Cereal System”

  1. DV

    Only just came across your site and have enjoyed wasting my time away! Now I’m intrigued by many a new junk food. One comment on the Nintendo cereal – I think the best part of it was not the actual cereal, but the COMMERCIAL’S song. “Nin-ten-do, it’s for break-fast now! Nin-ten-do, it’s a cereal, WOW!”

    Reply

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