If you don’t like pizza, you’re a horrible excuse of a human being. Seriously… if you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “Well, I don’t like pizza and I’m just fucking awesome.” then you need to go lie on the couch with a popsicle in your butt. Pizza is one of the greatest inventions of all time, and there’s no contesting that. We here at SnortRamen love our pizza oh so dearly. So many toppings, so many ways to eat it. In our new category of Pizza Power Punch we salute different types of pizza and how you can eat pizza like a fucking champ. We ride, my friends……
The Piggy Patch Pizza: Here’s a pizza that will kick your tongue’s nuts. I call it the Piggy Patch Pizza… whole wheat crust, alfredo sauce, ham, artichoke hearts, and mushroom. White sauce on pizza? Fuck you yes, white sauce! Eat this motherfucker and jump the event horizon with Stephen Hawking.
Eat Pizza Like a Fucking Champ: Pour a bottle of ranch on your pie.
The Beckon Desire: A pizza with no meat is like beer with no suds… but there’s always an exception. A local pizza shop here offers The Beckon Desire which consists of spinach lemon pesto sauce and cheese, artichoke heart, red onion, and gorgonzola cheese. Your breath will smell like a wet gym sock, but your mouth and your gut will high five all the way to the terlit.
Eat Pizza Like a Fucking Champ: Do bong rips before eating.
Sausage & Mushroom: Plain ol’ mushroom and sausage pizza is the drinkin’ man’s pie. A veggie, meat, cheese, and bread… yep, all 4 food groups there. The best is dipping each bite into nacho cheese or garlic sauce. Top that off with a half a case of Southpaw and you’ll find your ass planted in front of the TV swearing at Bridget Jones’s Diary for 45 minutes until you pass out in painful delight.
Eat Pizza Like a Fucking Champ: Take two Totinos cheese pizzas, apply additional toppings and cheese, bake, mash 2 pies together, make Totino’s sandwich.
Cheese Pizza: Tried and true… the cheese pizza. Aka The McAllister Special. It’s plain cheese, because remember Home Alone? Get it? When you call the pizza joint, it’s required that you place your order with “”A large cheese pizza, just for me.”
Eat Pizza Like a Fucking Champ: Take pizza, shove it into a cup. You now have pizza in a cup.