It was a cold, cold snowy evening in the forbidden Kingdom of Mustang. From sun up to sunset the day consisted of whip duels with local savages, wrestling snow leopards, and the ongoing quest to find the treasured frozen snacks of the Ancient Black Gods. After a forced 80ft climb up the brutal steep mountains of the Himalayas (I was being chased by possessed tahrs), I came across a cave adorned with red and white markings. Before I could even enter, a league of enraged horsemen trampled over the tahrs and started firing arrows at me. As I deflected the the arrows with my Amethyst Sceptor of Litheria, I made my way into the cave. Upon igniting my torch, I could see the cave was littered with the bones of langur monkeys and gold coins. But I wasn’t after the money. I was after the forbidden frozen snack. I noticed a strange and shiny rock projecting from the back wall which I pushed. The ground fell out from below me, and I slid down a half-mile long tunnel… getting a face full of cobwebs and breaking my skin on the rough slopes along the way. I tumbled out face down into an icy and snowy cavern, illuminated by a single ray of light coming from a hole at the top of the 50 ft ceiling. As my eyes followed the ray of light downward, it shined upon and old and tattered treasure chest. Despite the fact that I had just gotten my ass kicked all day and tore off the first 3 layers of skin on my back (mind you I’ve been shirtless this whole time)… I stood up and made it to the chest. Could this be it? The forbidden frozen snack of the Ancient Black Gods?
I opened the chest and inside lay a Heath Klondike bar. It was so magical, it nearly brought a tear to my eye… but then I remembered how fucking macho I was, and those feelings instantly disappeared. As I grabbed the Heath Klondike bar from the chest, I heard a behemoth roar that would make a king of heroes shake. I knew that this bar must be devoured right then and there, or I would be dead. In a flash, I tore away the wrapper and began devouring the forbidden snack. Time slowed down, and every bite felt like an hour of toffee chocolatey goodness. It was ecstasy. What felt like 40 moons of basking in the taste of delicious creamy ice cream with an almondy-toffee chocolate shell only lasted 10 seconds in real life. I felt invigorated. I felt POWER. My wounds healed. My muscles grew more muscles on top of them.
Suddenly a very pissed off 20ft ice-troll entered the room, frost hammer in hand. I had absolutely no fear, for the Heath Klondike bar empowered me. As the ice-troll bellowed a horrific squeal of doom and raised his frost hammer over his head to strike… I took out my whip and cracked it at his sack. The ice-troll took a knee, which allowed me to make a running leap at his face. Then with a swift swipe, the Amethyst Sceptor of Litheria went into his eye and up into his little troll brain… killing him instantly. Victory was mine. Still under the powers of the Heath Klondike bar, I managed to rip out the troll’s teeth and use them as footings to climb up the cavern walls and out of the hole at the top.
As I stood atop the Himalayan mountains and peered out into the clear Asian sky… I knew that I was now a god. A toffee-ridden, chocolate and ice cream thunder-god. The Heath Klondike bar is powerful, delicious, and is not for the meek or feeble. I would be dead if it weren’t for this frozen snack. Now, it’s a matter of crossing the mountain and defeating the devilish Ancient Black Gods… and once I do, I will control the flow of Heath Klondike bars for all of humanity to enjoy.
“You’re fucking welcome, world.” I say to absolutely nobody.