Easy Cheese

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Motherfucking cheese in a motherfucking can. It’s straight up magic. Bend a little nozzle slightly and receive cheese. No cellophane wrappers to undo, no blocks to cut up. This cheese is easy.

Be forewarned, the Easy Cheese can suck you in to its event horizon and you won’t go back. At first you squirt a couple of squiggles on to your Ritz cracker… thinking “Oh! This sure is fun stuff!” Then you find yourself covering the next cracker entirely with really thick squiggles. As you think “Man, I may have overdone it on that cracker” you ignore your conscience and then decide to go Full Bloom on the next cracker, meaning you aim the nozzle at the center and just hold the goddamn nozzle down until you have a big-ass cheese flower on the cracker. But it doesn’t stop there. More ideas go through your head such as the Easy Cheese Mini-Cracker Sandwich where you pretty much do a larger Full Bloom with another cracker on top. You draw shapes and images on the next handful of crackers, but each cracker you decide that your drawing looks shitty and you cover it up with more cheese. And don’t fucking act like you’ve never just given the can a direct mega-shot to the mouth… even with crackers in hand. You keep repeating this process again and again. At this point you come to terms with yourself and say “Ok, I’ll just have a plain cracker to slowly rehab myself off this supernatural cheese glory.” Nope. That cracker tasted like shit. You then give up and try to squirt on as much cheese as you can on each cracker without feeling like a complete greasy slob (even though you fucking are). Next thing you know, the nozzle lets out a pathetic can-fart and cheese sprays all over your shirt. You’re out of Easy Cheese. You look and smell like a kindergartner post-lunchtime, and you’re about to pass about because your gut wants to kill you dead. Then it hits hard and you fall out of your bean bag and on to the floor. You lay there paralyzed in a pathetic state while the DVD menu to Office Space plays over and over… and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it. All you can do is wait motionless until the toilet starts calling your name.

This, my friends, is Easy Cheese.

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