You know, we try to keep the beer/alcohol reviews here at Snort Ramen to a minimum… seeing that we are a junk food blog after all. But tonight I tried something that I need tell the world about, and that thing is Bug Light Platinum.
It was late, I had rough day, was hungry, wanted some quick food, and wanted some “after the kids go to bed beer”. So I hopped over to one of the closer stores from my house, Sam’s Club, to get an Artisan Pizza (which I definitely need to review later), some additional groceries, and some beer. If you’re not familiar with the beer selection at Sam’s Club, it’s just like everything else there: you buy in huge-ass quantities… and I forgot this. Going in seeking a 12 pack, I was quickly reminded that everything came in 24 packs, and nothing in 12′ers. Well, I didn’t want 24 beers in my house because 1. it’s expensive, 2. those beers would be consumed in one evening, and 3. I really don’t want a hangover tomorrow. BUT I saw that they had one type of beer in a 12′er… and that was the Bug Light Platinum beer. Upon looking at the box, I saw that the alcohol level was 6%. To compare to most beers out there, the average ABV is 5.2% – 5.6%. “Ok, sure! I’ll try something new” I thought. Now let it be known that my palette is more in tune with craft beers, but that doesn’t mean I’ll drink some swill when it’s available (sometimes Coors Light just “seems right”, especially when watching Talladega Nights). Plus it was around $10 and I didn’t want to go to two different stores, therefore I thought this was a done deal.
Folks… fuck this beer. It’s absolutely terrible. You’d think that with a name like “Platinum” you’d have some fancy-pants high-alcohol Bud Light made of magic. I like my craft beers… but I’ll drink some Bud Light or most other light beers out there. This is quite the opposite even by Bud Light standards. Imagine back to the first time you had beer… it was probably some cheap shitty fizzy yellow water beer back in middle school. You probably thought “UGH! This tastes like bubbly weird rubbing alcohol. But I HAVE to get drunk with all of these other cool kids so I’ll fit in and maybe lose my virginity tonight, so I’ll just have to muscle it down.” I’m a grown-ass man of 30 years who has drank a fuck ton in his life, and this reminded me of drinking beer for the first time. Bubbly weird rubbing alcohol. And it’s weird because I love high ABV beers like Arrogant Bastard, Dogfish Head, and even Chouffe! But this tastes like super low-shelf beer with fucking vodka added into it. Now I freely admit, I’m a total vajay when it comes to hard liquor… I’ve always been a strictly beer guy with the exception of bloody marys, vodka tonics (with LOTS of lime), and the occasional white russian. The taste of alcohol outside of beer really gets to me (and 180′s my personality Hulk-style). But even for those who can slam J&B every day… this is different. Seriously imagine a super cheap and shitty beer like Busch or Keystone, let it go a little flat, and add low-shelf vodka and more water to it. I made it about 3/4 through before pouring it out. Since there were 10 more, part of me felt obligated to keep on drinking in hopes that I’d just learn to like it. But no. I couldn’t do it. The hate was too strong at this point. What a horseshit concoction this is! Looking back I felt stupid because I like unfiltered beer… and this is “triple filtered”? No wonder it tasted like shitty pee-water! What the fuck was I thinking? I feel ashamed. Now I have 11 beers sitting in my sink in ice water that I want nothing to do with, and I felt sad. I had drive all the way back into town and buy a Sam Adams Harvest Collection to get the oogie taste out of my mouth.
So here you have it… the second time I’ve given something a total shit review with a suitable rating of:
…and coincidentally, it’s another beer that got such a low rating. Fuck you, Bud Light Platinum. If they ever combine you with the Samuel Adams Bonfire Rauchbier… then Hell will actually exist on planet Earth in liquid form. Just the thought of this makes me want to do the technicolor yawn. Ugh.