It’s been a while since I’ve had White Castle. Every time I drive around the west side of Bloomington and see White Castle, I joke to myself that I’m going to get 20 sliders and knuckle down with no fucks to give. But there’s that part of my gut that reminds me “Dude, you HAVE fucks to give. Sure you’re a macho iron giant with a titanium gut, but too much White Castle is like drinking a bottle of tequila by yourself… you’re going to hate yourself and the entire Universe later. That Universe includes Europa… and you fucking love Europa. Don’t do this, man.”
But my wife came home from an outing yesterday and decided to put my joking to the test. She walks in the door and says “I have 10 Jalapeño Cheese Sliders for you and me to share. I also bought you new underwear.” While neither of us put two and two together, it’s pretty funny now that she bought me a new pack of undies and White Castle in the same shopping run (she actually bought the drawers first). Anyhoo… I was ready to do this. I love the taste of White Castle, and it was time to do fucking do this.
For those of you that don’t know White Castle, the burgers don’t look anything like the picture above. The image to the right… THAT’s the reality. That’s not roadkill raccoon, it’s 4 White Castle Sliders. These little motherfuckers are cheap white bread buns with a 1/8th inch “maybe-beef?” patty, “crisps” which seem to be bits of potato chips, onions, cheese, and jalapeños. Absolutely delicious. These things melt in your mouth, but have a nice crispiness to offset… and you feel like a fucking gladiator when you’re done stuffing your gullet. After 3, my wife decided to stop (she is nursing after all, and The Little Crepe needs proper nourishment). Me on the other hand, ate 7 of these badboys. I said to my stomach, “Hey man… fuck you. We’ve got this. If we had them, I think we could do 15 Sliders. I don’t feel bad, and you seem to be okay. Chalk one for awesomeness, stomach.”
Let’s just say that after night fell, my oldest kid was running around the house crying and yelling “Papa fell in the potty!”
“I fucking hate myself, and that fucking ice moon Europa” I said while on my throne.
Note: If it weren’t for the “Wipe Castle Effect”… these things would have been 5 stars.