White Bread is Stupid

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No-White-Bread

We here at Snort Ramen are junk food titans. We put a lot of crap into our systems for the sake of flavor. But we’re also not dumbasses and don’t eat EXCLUSIVELY junk food. HamDog and I totally plan on living to be at least 130 years old, and just like anything else enjoyable in life… you have to balance things out and practice moderation. Plus, we’re SMART about our junk food. There are some things that are considered “junk” that is truly junk and you should light that bag of shit on fire and run the opposite direction.

Today’s focus on this topic of “real-deal junk food” is store-bought white bread (hereinafter referred to simply “white bread”). Who the fuck even eats white bread anymore? I have an uncle in Germany who has told me “Weißbrot ist Scheiße Brot gebleicht.” I think that loosely translates to “White bread is shitty bleach bread.” And he’s right! White bread has no flavor, isn’t filling, and if you mash it up and add food coloring you pretty much get Play-Doh.

While you can dish out some science showing how any junk food is bad… I simply want to pick on white bread today, so save your “Deep fried donuts with bacon sprinkles are worse for you” voodoo for another day. This bullshit bread has refined white flour produced from the whole wheat grain which is then refined where all the good stuff is removed… traces of the husk and the good parts of the grain. Then they bleach the fuck out of it. BLEACH. That means chlorine in your food! You might as well mix flour and pool water together and eat that. It’s then kiln dried at high temperatures to kill anything else that would have been beneficial or tasty in the bread. Then there’s the shit it does to you. It fucks up your cholesterol, can summon the diabeetus demons, and jack up your metabolism (just to name a few).

Really folks, white bread tastes like shit. “But dude! It’s great for grilled cheeses!” No, you goddamn slag! If you’re gonna eat melted cheese on toast… POWER UP that shit! Get some fancypants 12 grain bread with nuts and shit sprinkled on the crust to make it interesting. Even simple wheat bread gives you some flavor. Now if you’re using homemade white bread… that’s forgivable. My dad always told me “Eat your damn wheat bread and your crust and it’ll put hair on your chest like a MAN.” And whaddaya know, by the age of 8 I had the flowing chest locks of Tom Selleck. Ok, not really. I’m a relatively un-hairy dude… but looking back I knew he meant that figuratively. Rambo and Macho Man Randy Savage don’t have chest hair, but I bet they laugh at white bread stupid face.

So the moral of this story is: junk food is good times ONLY if it has flavor. If you’re going to put shit in your system with no flavor at all… then you’re living life completely wrong.

Store-bought white bread:

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One Response to “White Bread is Stupid”

  1. Arturo Blair

    Since, like you say, play-doh can be made with white bread, you really could F*** it! That might even improve its nutritional content!

    Reply

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