My cheese balls come in a fucking barrel. That’s right… clocking in at just over 2 lbs, Utz presents us with what we here at SnortRamen call the Tub of Cheesy Doom. You know, I used to be a Planters kind of guy, but 1. I recently discovered they were discontinued 2. these have more of a buttery flavor that Planters, and 3. a 5 ounce can just doesn’t cut the mustard. You have to be a Cheese Ball Olympian to eat these bad-boys because if you snack on these like a retarded bird, you’ll end up with half of a barrel of stale cheese balls… and every time this happens, a family of squirrels gets run over by a four wheeler (you wasteful fuck). But the taste is addicting as all hell can be… and despite all the cheese dust you rub from your fingers into the carpet, it’s very difficult to put the lid back on this thing.
We understand that not everyone is a pure thunder-muscle like us at SnortRamen. So we’ve devised a fun way for you to become a certified Cheese Ball Olympian such as ourselves so that you might be able to someday stand on the 3rd place tier after Hamdog and myself, and not be a horrible squirrel killer. Here are some training events to get you started:
1. Fan Or Be Damned: Have a friend fire a cheese ball at the ceiling fan. Catch the cheese ball in your mouth. If you fail… it’s a wooden spoon to the back of the calf muscle.
2. Chubby Bunny: Stuff as many of those things in your mouth as you can
3. Banister Catch: Have a friend slide cheese balls down a stair banister and catch in your mouth. If you fail, you get cheese ball dust rubbed in your eyes.
4. Trampoline Roof-Slide: Move a trampoline next to a two story house. Get your goddamned friend again. Start jumping on the trampoline and get some air. Have said friend roll a cheese ball off the roof just to the side of the trampoline. Dive off the trampoline, catch the cheese ball into your mouth, and faceplant into the yard. You can also do this in “Candy-Ass Mode” if you have a pool next to the house and trampoline to jump into.
5. Timed Gut-Buster: Eat the entire 35oz barrel in under 15 minutes
6. Cheese Ball Bong-Out: Remove the funnel off a beer bong and load up the tube with cheese balls. We understand that some chewing is required… but try not to overdo it (you ARE training to be a Cheese Ball Olympiad afterall… RIGHT?).
Have an idea for the Cheese Ball Olympics? Contact us and give us your feedback!