The Ghost Pepper

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ghostpepperI question why I’m even bothering with this shit. What has it been… like 8 months since we did an actual post? Eerily enough my timing to make a surprise post is good. Why? Because coincidentally I haven’t even thought about this site in eons since last night, but at the same time (after checking the site stats this morning for the first time in half a year) yesterday was one of our highest site traffic days due to our Ghetto Ginger Ale post. Why the fuck is that, anyway? The post hits all came from Google searches… so was it National Ghetto Brew day or something? Weird, weird coincidence. Whatever though.

Getting back on track, I ate something last night that I had never eaten before, and after the fact it reminded me of good ol’ Snort Ramen. The almighty ghost pepper. And homegrown to boot. You see, Mrs. Planetofthecrepes was scoping out a nursery/greenhouse just down the road in the late growing season (probably in June if I remember correctly) and came across these super inexpensive plants that were on sale for something ridiculous like $.15 each. Where the fuck can you get anything for $.15 these days?! She had to ask what they were and (goddammit if you haven’t figured it out by now) they were ghost peppers. She got five of them. Yes… five. As I mentioned, it was late in the growing season, and we weren’t sure the plants would even make it. But when I was cleaning up the kitchen last night, I noticed a tiny pepper on the counter. It looked like the old red applebag of an old gnome that got said applebag turbo kicked by a rabbit. Turns out this was the first ghost pepper to grow in the garden and m’lady picked it for me to test out.

Now before we go any further, let’s talk about the ghost pepper. While you could just Wikipedia this shit yourself, I’ll educate you here so you don’t wear out your clicking finger. The ghost pepper (also known as the Bhut Jolokia) has a rating of over 1 million motherfucking Scoville units and is 3 times hotter than the infamous habanero pepper. Even India’s military defense research department announced plans to use ghost peppers in goddamn hand grenades as a nonlethal way to flush terr’ists out of hideouts. Holy shit! This is one no-bullshit pepper! And if you need more proof as to how fucked up these things are and what they do to people, watch this, this, and this. But you know what… this shit just gives me more reason to try one out. Therefore, I went into Phil Kessel mode and decided to give my freshly picked pepper a whirl.

Our true Lord and Saviour.

Our true Lord and Saviour. Praise be unto The Phil.

But wait a goddamn minute. The Phil wouldn’t just jump into something like this like a fucking moron. No. He would calculate the risks. He would be smart about it. The Phil has a job to do, and he cannot and will not succumb to injury. So call me a pussy, but I did not devour the entire pepper like the bro in the above linked video. Mrs. Planetofthecrepes actually set the stage, taking a little micro-bite off the end. “Hmmm. Nothing. Didn’t get a seed though. Your move.” she said. So I took another micro-bite and also didn’t get a seed, but got some heat. Nothing to write home about. I started to wonder if these things weren’t going to be up to standard since they were bargain bin plants that we put in the ground late. I took another bite, only slightly bigger. Welp, there’s a seed. A single seed.

I feel the heat. It’s typical heat at this point, and nothing I haven’t experienced before. Mrs. PotC decides to go off and do some homework at this point. Man, it’s getting hotter. Whoo! Yeah, this badboy is pretty hot. Um, my face feels tingly. My mouth is burning in a very “oh shit” kind of way. It’s getting hotter and not stopping. Lyrics from Fu Manchu’s Breathing Fire start going though my head… “Breathing fire oh no. Still got a way to go. Breathing fire oh no.”  Milk. I need milk. I grab the milk from the fridge and take a nice swig and hold it in my mouth. I hear Mrs. PotC yell “You better not be chugging all that milk in the fridge! It was expensive this time around!” Oh god. Phil. What do I do, Phil?! The shirt comes off. I swallow the milk and my mouth is still burning. I take one more small swig of the milk and hold it again for a while. I think the burning is starting to go away. Swallow. The burn comes back like an Indian summer. My mouth hates me. I run my mouth under the sink, but the water isn’t cold enough. Surely that beer I cracked open before taking on this task won’t do anything. Fuck it I need something cold on my tongue. Drink beer. Surprisingly the flavor of my Killians improved after eating the pepper (why that is, I have no clue). Phil. Save me, Phil. After about 2 minutes and going “HAAAAF! HAAAAF!” repeatedly while trying to stay zen… the burning was more tolerable. It then dawned on me.

A single seed.

Folks, while that wasn’t the hottest pepper experience I’ve ever had, it was definitely in my top 3. And remember… I only bit off not even 1/8″ of this thing and got just one seed. I can see why the people in those videos wanted their friends to call an ambulance. But one thing was for sure: I fucking experienced my food and will never forget my first ghost pepper. That, and I said to myself for the first time in a long time: “This is Snort Ramen worthy.” Fortunately for me my suffering was short lived and the only following consequence was that I had to keep my shirt off for the remainder of the night. With all that said, I feel weird giving a BEC rating since it was just a pepper (it’s like rating an apple if you ask me). But these things are powerful… and honestly I’m not sure if I’ll ever bite off much more than what I’ve already done. I like spicy food challenges, but I’m also not a fucking idiot and have children to raise. The Phil wouldn’t constantly ask Robidas to hip check him regularly just for fun, and that’s the mentality I’m taking with these things.

Oh fuck. I have five entire plants of these things… O_o


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