Terry’s Chocolate Orange

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terrys-chocolate-orangeAfter Willy Wonka (Wilder not Depp, because seriously stop it with the gritty fucking reboots already) killed all those kids in his candy funhouse of horrors and swindled Charlie into signing a confession (it’s in the fine print)… he fled to Florida where the cheap laborers have no chance of unionizing like those bastard Oompa Loompas and started peddling oranges on the side of the road. But not just any orange, a fucking CHOCOLATE ORANGE! I’m not sure if that’s really where these things come from but that’s how it went down in my head, so we’re going with it. This thing is essentially a Death Star of chocolate orangieness. It’s like a chocolate orangegasam explosion in your mouth. What I’m saying here, is these things are pretty goddammotherfucking tasty. The awesomeness doesn’t end there. Not only does it taste exactly like you’d expect an orange made out of chocolate to taste, but it’s fun to eat to boot. It’s orange shaped, so it gets extra points for looking like it’s citrusy counterpart and has individual slices arranged around a chocolate center column, molded in to what looks like little slices of orange including the endocarp and everything (yeah I made that a link so you can look that shit up).  You could bite right in to it, apple style, which would certainly make you a badass, or you can whack it on some hard surface like a table or some jackass’s cranium. Whacking it (not like you were doing 5min ago on that other website) releases the individual slices from the central column. If done just right you’ll get all the slices free, leaving the core intact. It takes some Jedi like skills to accomplish this… so buy several and start practicing! They’re not always easy to find and we all know that the dankest ass shit is always hard to find. Wikipedia claims there are 19 varieties but I’ve only seen them in the dark and milk chocolate varieties. I’m typically a milk chocolate guy myself but I’m sure the others are also kick fucking ass. Don’t try to squeeze them and make mimosas though! I know it’s tempting, but believe me that shit doesn’t fucking work no matter how fucking hard you try, goddammit.

2 Responses to “Terry’s Chocolate Orange”

  1. Velvetelvitron.com

    Good job, Beardy Boy! Once my sister cracked a car’s dashboard with one of these babies. I have also seen raspberry chocolate oranges, so that’s 3 kinds actually seen in the Midwest.

  2. Shawn

    Excellent, oops no I mean fucking excellent. I chuckled, laughed and guffawed. And thanks for the link…very impress, damn I mean fucking impressive!!


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