When I was 13 I went to Germany to visit the family. We went to a public pool, and while I was there I dropped some Deutschbucks on some pomfritz (that’s “fries” for you white folks). They handed me the fries in a paper cone, and off to the side of the top of the cone was mayo. “MAYO? The fuck is this wizardy?” I said. But after trying it, I liked it… and have never turned back. Any time I go to a restaurant and order fries, I HAVE to order a side of mayo. I’ll tell you one thing, restaurants get bonus points with me if they 1. don’t look at me funny when I order fry mayo, and 2. actually bring me the mayo. It’s tasty. You should try it.
I’ve tried all types of mayo from Miracle Whip (do not recommend unless used in potato/chicken/pasta salads) to Helmann’s. But none amount to Kewpie Mayo. I saw this at the oriental grocery and had to try it. This mayo is the jam. It has a creamy consistency and a bit of tanginess. Plus it comes in a flask. A FLASK. If you ever get in a fight and you want your opponent to go down, you yell “My mayo comes in a motherfucking flask!” as you throw the first punch… you’re guaranteed to win.
Now with that said… it gets even better than this. Are you the type that likes to mix ketchup and mustard? Well, then you’re a weenis. If you’re a dudely-dude-man like us here at SnortRamen, you shampoo with Sriracha. “So what’s up with the fries, dude? You kinda left us hanging on that one.” Well, one day when chowing on some home fries and kewpie mayo, I decided that the ante needed to be upped. What can I add to make… oh wait, if I’m adding anything to anything it’s Sriracha. So I squirted some Sriracha into the mayo vessel, stirred, and divided by zero. Creamy, tangy, spicy, heavenly mayo. This here is gold, folks. The initial taste of those fries with Sriracha-Kewpie mayo was supreme. Hell, Sriracha-Kewpie is good with tuna salad, on sandwiches, and even makes a great toothpaste. Quit reading this and go make some now. You won’t regret it.