Ruffles Loaded Bacon & Cheddar Potato Chips

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Stardate 65931.8. We are cruising the galaxy in the Starship Chilifries on a search for potato chips with robust flavor that is unbeknownst to man. As we cruise at light speed through the Orion-Cygnus Arm of the Milky Way, we stumbled across the Rufflonian exoplanet orbiting star system M52. The planet is very geologically active with regions spanning several kilometers containing vast ridges. We have also confirmed the existence of extraterrestrial life that teems in said ridge-regions… a race of druid like workers that spend all of their time crafting potato chips. Upon communicating with the Rufflonians, we have come to learn that on the outskirts of every ridge-region lies a vast metropolis where the potato  chip ore is delivered to and crafted into tasty snacks. Such cities included Jalapenoranchexico, Originalicopia (the planet’s capital city), Cheddarsourcreamalopolis, and Sweetnsmokin BBQ8. We sampled chips from most of the cities and were very pleased. But we were very intrigued by the relatively new city of Baconcheddarloadia which exported the Loaded Bacon & Cheddar potato chips… and this was mainly because of the active Olympus Mons sized volcano within the ridge-region that oozed cheese, bacon bits, sour cream, and chives. We talked to the druids and requested that we take home 20 palettes of these potato chips for scientific experimentation because we were on a time crunch and needed to make it to back to Europa for sub-zero Icee taste tests. So we loaded up the Starship Chilifries, bid our farewells, and started to head off. As we left the Rufflonian atmosphere, Commander HamDog decided to get a jump-start on our chip science and cracked open a bag.

“Commander PotC, we have a problem.” HamDog says.

“Is there an issue with the deflector shields?! Are the photon torpedoes jammed again?!” I exclaim.

“No, Commander. I am sad to inform that the Rufflonians have pulled a fast one on us. To put it blountly, sir… these Loaded Bacon & Cheddar chips suck balls.”

“POPPYCOCK!” I yell as I punched a nearby Redshirt in the face. “Bring me the chips! This goes against the United Federation of Interstellar Snacks!”

I tried the Loaded Bacon & Cheddar chips. What a disgrace! There was NO hint of bacon, NO sour cream flavor, and a slight hint of cheddar cheese. Thinking I may have inhaled to much Rufflonian dro and temporarily lost my sanity, I kept snacking in a feeble attempt to taste what was supposed to a robust and awesome chip. After eating 1/4 of the bag… they just taste like the Rufflonian chips from Originalicopia (which we honestly would have destroyed if it weren’t for the fact that Originalicopia was rich with dip varieties to compensate for the blandness).

“Turn this ship around immediately!” I said.

HamDog canceled the orders to engage warp-drive and steered the ship back towards Rufflonia, with the mast of the Starship Chilifries pointing directly at the city of Baconcheddarloadia.

“Engage!” he yells.

The ship fired a photon torpedo directly at Baconcheddarloadia, turning the once thriving metropolis into a mushroom cloud of radiation and debris. Once the bowshock of the mushroom cloud disappeared from the stratosphere, we gazed down at what was once Baconcheddarloadia… which is now a large crater of burnt cheese, sour cream, bacon bits, and chives (which these elements are now believed to have been fake).

“Good riddance, you horrific bastards.” I said as I gazed out of the transparent aluminum commander’s deck window. “The galaxy is now a better place, for we will never be taunted by flavorless lies again.”

 

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