Fruit Gushers

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If your prime was in the 80s, chances are that lunch time was the most exciting part of the day. That’s because we had all sorts of cool shit that was tasty, conveniently packaged, and terrible for you at the same time. Your mom would wake up in the mornings… simply drained from your hyper-ass running around chugging SqueezeIts and screaming immature obscenities at your Contra game from the night before. The poor woman was so tired, she didn’t have energy anymore to make you a nice sandwich and loving note for your lunch. Instead, she reached for the pre-packaged shit, threw it in your Rambo lunchbox, and told you not to come home until dark. She’d throw in a Lunchable, Hi-C EctoCooler, and some fruit snacks… followed by your her own polite rendition of “get the fuck out, kid.” But you didn’t care. You were fueled by all things artificial and had no fucks to give.

One of the greatest things about the 80s lunch was the fruit snacks. Goddammit, we loved our fruit snacks. Incredible, waxy, half-assed fruit-tasting snacks that came in all shapes from sharks to dinosaurs. Then along came the Gushers. Folks, this was the turning point in the world of fruit snacks. You had your average waxy fruit snack, but it had goo in the middle. That’s right… GOO! They wanted you to think it was fruit juice, but we (now) know better… it was just sugar, flavoring, and high fructose corn syrup. But dammit it was exciting! You bit into your fruit snack, and a burst of sugary liquid flowed like a miniature tsunami in your mouth. If you were grim and brutal when you were young, you put the entire package in your mouth and hit the monkey bars hard, letting the goo just run out of your mouth and down your Rude Dog shirt while acting like a little rabid shaved ape.

Nowadays, Gushers are far from exciting… but back in the way-back-when they were the bee’s knees. Yeah, they still make them, but they’re no where near as popular as they used to be. As far as fruit snacks go, these were the more flavorful simply because of the goo. So not only did you get fruit snacks stuck between your teeth, you were also dyeing them an unnatural color too… but sonuvabitch you were a happy kid. Your parents on the other hand… you should go apologize to them for making them buy you this crack-laced sugar hell and starting a vicious cycle that was a fight between temporarily soothing your fussy-ass and your ongoing sugar induced schizo moments.


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