This candy bar was brought to our attention by our junkfood partner-in-crime Tanya over at Gas Station Gastronomy, and her review can be read here. Based on the picture posted, it appeared to just be a big block of caramel that is coated in chocolate. I love caramel, I love chocolate… and goddamn the 21st century I was going to eat it. As I mentioned in the comments on her review for this snack, I have a psycho sweet tooth. My teeth are in fact made of Lutetium… which explains why I can eat stupid amounts of sugar and still have straight and relatively healthy teeth. Upon reading her review, I felt that I was a prime candidate to tackle this super-sugar wizardry. I told myself, “Self, you must try this thing.” This had to be sweet snack gold.
Well, nobody was fucking around when saying this thing is super sweet. I’m kinda glad I opted for the smaller 1.91oz bar… because when I got to the end of it I thought I heard little screams coming from my rock-like teeth. This candy bar is a beast, even for me. It’s seriously straight up caramel with a chocolate outside. No nuts, no nougats, no nothing. And it’s that viscous sugary caramel that glues itself to your molars and won’t let go… so you spend a lot of post-snacking time tonguing your teeth and looking like a retarded camel. I don’t know what all they put into it that’s not listed on the wrapper, but there’s gotta be something illegal in there.
Overall, the Simply Caramel was pretty tasty, but it got rather intense toward the end. If I would have gone for the next size up, I know I’d be buckled over at my desk muttering “shit balls” over and over for the next hour. I think with this candy bar, I may have finally found something that I’ll actually need to build a tolerance on (and this is a serious rarity). This ain’t your grandma’s candy bar, folks. It’s some big league shit that’s not taken lightly.