Today, lunch consisted of a trip to Burger King. I hadn’t been to BK in a minute, and it’s not the same fast food establishment it used to be. The menus are flat panel tvs, there are hi-res images on the walls of people eating obviously-not-Burger-King food from glass bowls and ceramic ramekins, everything was surprisingly clean, and then when I went to fill my drink cup…
Motherfucking Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, what IS this thing?! A HAL9000 soda fountain? I really didn’t know what to think at first. So I think “Okay, press soda button, receive soda.” WRONG. Press soda button, and open the floodgates to goddamn soda nirvana. A second screen pops up that asks “What fucking KIND of Coca-Cola do you want? Regular? Vanilla? Lime? Raspberry? Cherry? Orange? Cherry Vanilla?”
Dude. Man. Folks. Seriously. ONE-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY-SEVEN kinds of carbonated and non-carbonated beverages from one freestanding unit. I held people up from getting their drinks because I wanted to scroll through each drink and their flavors. And what’s this?! A Mello Yello button?! Aces! But I thought “Surely there’s no other Mello Yello besides regular and Zero.” WRONG. There’s cherry, grape, orange, and peach. At this point I started to question everything and that maybe God does exist… but then I looked back at the hi-res photo of the wealthy people dining on fine food that’s supposedly Burger King food and I came back to Earth. But this has to be the most amazing thing to hit the soda world. Just to give you an idea of the insanity that lies at your fingertips… here’s the list of ALL flavors you can mix and enjoy (cue the Micro-Machine Man):
Coca-Cola, Vanilla Coke, Coke with Lime, Raspberry Coke, Cherry Coke, Orange Coke, Cherry Vanilla Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke, Diet Coke with Lime, Raspberry Diet Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Orange Diet Coke, Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke, Coca-Cola Zero, Cherry Coke Zero, Vanilla Coke Zero, Cherry Vanilla Coke Zero, Coke Zero with Orange, Coke Zero with Lime, Coke Zero with Raspberry, Coke , ero with Lemon, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Vanilla Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke with Lime, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke with Orange, Caffeine-Free Diet Raspberry Coke, Caffeine-Free , iet Cherry Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke, Sprite, Sprite with Cherry, Sprite with Strawberry, Sprite with Grape, Sprite with Peach, Sprite with Raspberry, Sprite with Orange, Sprite with Vanilla, Sprite Zero, Sprite Zero with Cherry, Sprite Zero with Strawberry, Sprite Zero with , aspberry, Sprite Zero with Grape, Sprite Zero with Peach, Sprite Zero with Orange, Sprite Zero with , Vanilla, Fanta Orange, Fanta Fruit Punch, Fanta Lime, Fanta Grape, Fanta Strawberry, Fanta Peach, Fanta Raspberry, Fanta Cherry, Fanta Zero Orange, Fanta Zero Peach, Fanta Zero, ime, Fanta Zero Grape, Fanta Zero Strawberry, Fanta Zero Fruit Punch, Fanta Zero Raspberry, Fanta Zero Cherry, Minute Maid Lemonade, Minute Maid Cherry Lemonade,Minute Maid Orange Lemonade, Minute Maid Raspberry Lemonade, Minute Maid , Strawberry Lemonade, Minute Maid Fruit Punch Lemonade, Minute Maid Light Lemonade, Minute Maid Light Cherry Lemonade, Minute Maid Light Orange Lemonade, Minute Maid Light Raspberry Lemonade, Minute Maid Light Strawberry Lemonade, Minute Maid Light Fruit Punch Lemonade, Dasani with Lime, Dasani with Peach, Dasani with Grape, Dasani with Orange, Dasani with Strawberry, Dasani with Raspberry, Dasani with Cherry, Dasani with Lemon, Dasani Sensations – Lime, Dasani Sensations – Peach, Dasani Sensations – Grape, Dasani Sensations – Strawberry, Dasani Sensations – Orange, Dasani Sensations – Raspberry, Dasani Sensations – Cherry, Dasani Sensations – Lemon, Powerade ION4 Fruit Punch, Powerade ION4 Raspberry, Powerade ION4 Cherry, Powerade ION4 Lemon, Powerade ION4 Orange, Powerade ION4 Lime, Powerade ION4 Grape, Powerade ION4 Strawberry, Powerade Zero Fruit Punch, Powerade Zero Raspberry, Powerade Zero Cherry, Powerade Zero Lemon, Powerade Zero Orange, Powerade Zero Lime, Powerade Zero Grape, Powerade Zero Strawberry, Hi-C, Hi-C Cherry, Hi-C , Orange, Hi-C Raspberry, Hi-C Strawberry, Hi-C Fruit Punch, Hi-C Grape, Hi-C Raspberry Lime, Hi-C Orange Vanilla, Vault, Vault Red Blitz, Orange Vault, Grape Vault, Peach Vault, Pibb Xtra, Pibb Zero, Barq’s, Barq’s Vanilla, Diet Barq’s, Diet Barq’s Vanilla, Seagram’s Lemon Lime Seltzer, Water
Fffffffuuuuuuu. THIS is the future, my friends. It warms my heart that my two little girls will be raised in a world where their soda choices are so robust. Coca-Cola Freestyle… you win. You fucking win and then whip people in the face with your gold medal. Then you pee 127 different types of tasty beverages on them. The ONE and ONLY downfall of this machine is the old people and hilljacks in line who just don’t get it. Here is a link to a video representation of what happens… but that’s not the machine’s fault. Long live the Coca-Cola Freestyle.