Okay… I’m going to share something with you folks today. Despite the fact that I’m a carnivorous sonuvabitch and invented the Turfucken (which is a chicken stuffed into a duck, then stuffed into a turkey, then stuffed into an ostrich, then stuffed into leopard, then stuffed into a bison, then stuffed into an elephant, and then stuffed into a killer whale and slow cooked for 14 days)… I used to be a vegetarian for a couple of years. This was over 14 years ago when it was all about being Victory Records hardcore (late 90s) and up in PETA’s ass (which we all now is just another shitty terrorist organization). But when I was vegetarian, I did it completely and utterly wrong. My diet consisted of 7-Layer Burritos from Taco Bell, Morning Star Farm Grillers, Schlotzsky’s Cheese Originals, and Black Bean Burgers from Chili’s. That’s not everything I ate, but that was about 90% of it. But I finally realized I needed a more robust diet or I was going to blow away in the wind. So with that said, I still do have an appreciation for vegetarian food, even though I eat sweet smoked chicken-duck-turkey-ostrich-leopard-bison-elephant-whale dinners every other Thursday. And actually, ol’ Hamdog is vegetarian and has been for, like, 15 years…. and he’ll fuck you up with armbars and triangle chokes if you talk shit about being vegetarian.
So I decided to try out the Amy’s Quarter Pound Veggie Burgers… mainly because I’ve never seen a quarter-pound veggie burger. And holy shit, this thing was aces! Even though I knuckle down on charred animal flesh like nobody’s business, one thing I stand by is the Chili’s Black Bean Burger… and this was probably the closest thing I’ve ever found to it. I cooked this veggie burger in light oil (never microwave anything vegetarian or you’ll feel like you’re eating chalk) and, while it looked like the patty was going to be dry, it had a bit of a crunchy outside to it. It’s got the black bean spiciness, moist on the inside, and good texture to boot (which is usually a huge fail which most veggie burgers). I was impressed! Most vegetarian burger patties are tasteless and crappy, but this burger prevails.
If you’re not a totally close minded meat eating fuckstick… I recommend trying these things. They’re tasty and pretty filling too (being quarter pounders and all). And while we do like mainlining pineapple soda between our toes and smoking Dorito shake, sometimes a healthy snack is okay. But not all the time though. That would just be wrong.