Every other Friday, I usually like to treat myself to something nice for working so hard during the week. I like to get in the right mindset, strap a bowie knife to my inner thigh, and go into the forest for a little hippie-killing. It’s a fun experience, and if you haven’t tried it I highly recommend it. The tie-dye and scent of patchouli makes it easy to spot them. So earlier today I was sitting up in a tree and saw my victim. He was a skinny chap… long hair, Crocs, and some shirt that said something about string cheese. I dropped from the tree, locked my legs around the hippie’s neck, spun, and made the world a better place by putting him to sleep… forever. As his body hit the ground, a cookie fell from his satchel. “What the fuck is this? A vegan cookie? You mean there NO MEAT in this cookie? The fuck?! I’m glad I killed this guy as soon as I did.” I put the cookie in my pocket and went about my way… killing 8 more hippies before 3pm.
All that hippie killing wore me out. I needed nourishment. “Oh wait… I have that goddamned cookie.” I thought. After reading the ingredients I saw that this thing was 230 calories, 13% daily fat, 22% saturadted fat, 38g carbs, and 20g of sugar per serving… and this thing was 2 servings. “Fuck yeah!” I said out loud to absolutely no one. “There might not be any meat in this thing, but that’s like 2 sodas worth of shit that’s bad for me!” So I ate the cookie.
I couldn’t believe it. This thing tasted like fudge. It was fucking delicious! It definitely didn’t have the taste of butter or diary in it… but it was still good. Lots of chocolate in this thing. If the consistency was a little softer, I would have sworn it were fudge. For a hippie snack, this was pretty good!
That doesn’t mean I feel bad about killing the hippie. Those assholes deserve to die… even if they have good cookies and weed.