Monthly Archives: June 2012



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Pocky is a simple, yet great sweet snack. All it is is a chocolate coated biscuit stick. Pretty basic and boring sounding, eh? Well, it certainly sounds like it is, but there’s something strange about Pocky that makes it awesome. Personally, I scoff at light snacking… it’s either stuff the shit out of your face [...]

oreo cakesters

Oreo Cakesters

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Oreos. Cake. Oreos plus cake. Is this the what folks at the Large Hadron Collider expect to create when smashing particles together at the speed of light? Look at that fucking box. Look at it! The cake part taunts you by saying “I’m two pieces of cake, but I have the flavor of an Oreo. [...]

evol burritos

Evol Burritos – Fire Grilled Chicken Fajita

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One thing that readers might not guess about me is that try to give back to my community. That’s fucking right. When I’m not wrestling snow leopards, killing hippies, or blowing up intergalactic cities… I volunteer at a local food pantry to help low-income families get some free and relatively healthy shit to stuff into their gullets. It’s [...]

snickers peanut butter

Snickers Peanut Butter

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Holy fucking fuck fuck.  Look no further.  This is the candy bar of the junk food Gods.  This is what The Bacon-Egg Cthulhu seeks.  Snickers was already an All-Star candy bar to begin with, but deciding to add peanut butter just brought a new King to the throne.  Chocolate and peanut butter together can do [...]


Ruffles Tapatio Limon Chips

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Our last Ruffles review left us severely disappointed. And by disappointed, I mean we got so pissed off we annihilated an entire city over it. But today, Ruffles have redeemed themselves tenfold. While we didn’t make any galactic trips to the M52 system of the Orion-Cygnus arm, the gas station down the road was able [...]

Buc-ee's beaver nuggets

Buc-ee’s Beaver Nuggets

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One of the most miserable and terrible times in you might have to experience in your lifetime is driving hundreds of miles across the state of Texas.  I-10, the unforgiving interstate that stretches across the US, is pretty awful overall.  But specifically starting at the Texas/Louisiana border stretching all the way to the other side [...]

BBQ Picante Takis Meme

Takis – BBQ Picante

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It was a miracle I made it to work today without running out of gas.  Why?  Because I’m an idiot and I left my wallet at the office last night.  So when the gas light pops on and you’re 20 miles from work, and going 5mph because some idiot decided to flip a metro bus [...]

heath klondike bar

Heath Klondike Bars

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It was a cold, cold snowy evening in the forbidden Kingdom of Mustang. From sun up to sunset the day consisted of whip duels with local savages, wrestling snow leopards, and the ongoing quest to find the treasured frozen snacks of the Ancient Black Gods. After a forced 80ft climb up the brutal steep mountains [...]

Mana EnergyPotion

Mana Energy Potion

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PlanetOfTheCrepes and I were deep within the Western Plaguelands when we came upon a camp infested by the scourge.  We glance at each other knowing the risk we’ll be taking once we set foot into this diseased territory.  But we communicate telepathically,”Let’s fucking do this”, and we both agree and nod without saying a word. [...]

Tim's Cascade Style Jalapeno Potato Chips

Tim’s Cascade Style Jalapeno Chips

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I took a last minute trip to Portland Oregon last week to hang with friends and see the sites.  I had been to Portland before on business but never really got a chance to see the amazing outdoors and awesome food this place had to offer.  Lots of great restaurants and food carts all over [...]

ruffles loaded bacon cheddar potato chips

Ruffles Loaded Bacon & Cheddar Potato Chips

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Stardate 65931.8. We are cruising the galaxy in the Starship Chilifries on a search for potato chips with robust flavor that is unbeknownst to man. As we cruise at light speed through the Orion-Cygnus Arm of the Milky Way, we stumbled across the Rufflonian exoplanet orbiting star system M52. The planet is very geologically active with regions [...]


Amy’s Quarter Pound Veggie Burgers

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Okay… I’m going to share something with you folks today. Despite the fact that I’m a carnivorous sonuvabitch and invented the Turfucken (which is a chicken stuffed into a duck, then stuffed into a turkey, then stuffed into an ostrich, then stuffed into leopard, then stuffed into a bison, then stuffed into an elephant, and [...]


Arizona Half Pink Lemonade Half Sweet Iced Tea

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Arizona teas are aces. You can get a super-tall boy of these things for only $.99… unless your local ethnic health food store decides to be a bunch of ass-hats and charge $1.19, despite the fact that $.99 is printed on the fucking can! And yes, that happens where I live. Anyhoo, I was out [...]


RetroFeast: Otter Pops

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When you were little, summer time was the jam. There was no school, and you got to run around in the back yard like a retarded hummingbird with a Thundercat figure in one hand and a summer snack in the other. But man, summer was fucking hot. When I was a kid in the 80s, [...]

sippin syrup purple

Sippin Syrup – Purple

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Purple drank, syrup, lean, oil, Texas Tea, or whatever you want to call it, it’s the special recipe that sedates the south side of Houston, TX.  A screwed up concoction that shaped the culture of southern hip-hop and eventually began to take over.  So much, that anti energy drinks began popping up everywhere that blatantly [...]

nongshim drumstix

Nong Shim – Chile Lime Kikiriki Drumsticks

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A long time ago I had this brilliant idea when I was eating fried chicken one day. See, I’m the kind that believes in the Extra Crispy, not Original Recipe chicken. I absolutely love fried chicken skin. So my bright idea was to have chicken skin singles. That’s fucking right… they’d be packaged like American [...]

blue sky dr becker

Blue Sky Dr. Becker

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During the day, I work your average office job. It’s far from my life’s dream where I work, but it pays the bills and we get lots of perks. One of the better perks is that we have a fridge stocked full of soda to keep us carbonated beverage fiends at bay. But since one [...]

nutty bars

Little Debbie Nutty Bars

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Little Debbie makes some primo snacks. Just about everything they make is pure forbidden sorcery. When you eat a Little Debbie snack, you feel the magic go through your veins… making you an unstoppable force of jiu jitsu chokes and hadoukens. Today we will look at the almighty Nutty Bar and how it is the [...]


Fruit Gushers

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If your prime was in the 80s, chances are that lunch time was the most exciting part of the day. That’s because we had all sorts of cool shit that was tasty, conveniently packaged, and terrible for you at the same time. Your mom would wake up in the mornings… simply drained from your hyper-ass [...]


Mike-Sell’s Smoky Mountain Barbecue Chips

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Until I moved north of the Mason-Dixon, I had never heard of Mike-Sell’s brand potato chips. They’re super cheap and super delicious. Mike-Sell’s makes everything from regular potato chips to the evil Cheeto twin known as the Puffcorn Delight. If you’re able to try anything by these guys… go forth and tantalize your taste buds. You won’t [...]

frozen coke

Frozen Coca-Cola

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Welcome to summer time. You may think summer “technically” starts in 2 weeks, but it’s already began folks. If you find yourself cruising in your air-conditionless car/truck with your elbow out the window, back drenched with sweat, and jamming Fu Manchu’s King of the Road… it’s fucking summer. C’mon people, use your brains… this is [...]

sun drop

Sun Drop

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Sun Drop, a true ray of sunshine brought to you buy the Beverage Gods that are the Dr.Pepper Snapple group.  For those of you who don’t know, this product is the new Walter White in the citrus soda game, which means it’s up against the king pins Mountain Dew and Mello Yello.  All 3 are [...]